An Open Letter To Kamala Harris

I’ve watched enough Survivor to know a thing or two about alliances. While it is difficult to responsibly address the unthinkable, I’ve decided to pen an open letter to the Harris camp to address the possibility that things go better for her than for me on election day.

Here’s the .pdf of what I mailed to her campaign headquarters(easier on the eyes). The raw text is below. Ever onward.

May 31st, 2016

Dear Attorney General Harris-

First off, thank you. Your commitment to justice has contributed in no small way to both my home city and my home state. While we may be “opponents” in the upcoming Senate primary, I would be an absolute fool to not acknowledge that you are an exemplary human being.

In fact, a perfectly objective argument can be made that you are a more exemplary human being than I. We both hold degrees from UC Hastings College of the Law. With yours, you rose to become California’s Top Cop. With mine, I, well… Let’s not turn this into a competition, alright? I put “opponents” in quotes for a reason.

As such, with a week left before the polls close, I feel minimal dread that there appears to be a *cough* “more-than-slight” possibility that you will advance to the general election while I will not. But no matter how it plays out, I maintain that the candidate who will represent our drought-prone coastal state from the seat that bears Senator Boxer’s 24-year-old tuckus groove needs to prioritize the existential threat that Californians face in climate change.

And so, to hedge bets, I’m interested in exploring my endorsement options. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t beat them, desperately cling to the one who seems most willing to protect your children.” Since launching your candidacy last year, you have progressively fortified your climate platform. Besides myself, you are the only candidate in the voter information pamphlet to even mention climate change. (You mention it once where I mention it thrice, but who’s counting? If it makes you feel better, we can call it even on the Hastings thing.)

Every vote that my single-issue climate platform earns in this primary (the exact number is impossible to predict, but it’s somewhere between “my immediate family” and “every eligible voter in the state”) represents a Californian who needs to know whether your evolving climate stance is “the pollsters are telling us people don’t like dying” candidatespeak, or if you’re really ready to ride out. The climate battle is unprecedented, and will require unconventional political maneuvers. For ideas of what I mean, here are three things I am willing to try if I am elected:

(1) First day, first session – politely tap my Senatorial Water Glass, stand on my desk, and say something like, “Hey, any way we can start pretending that actions have consequences and legislators have duties around here?” (Pause for laughter/solutions.)

(2) Via a relentless “harmless goofball” charm offensive and an intricately interlaced series of individually non-threatening but collectively revolutionary bill riders, surreptitiously quadruple federal funding of clean energy research and development.

(3) As a last resort, rusty bike locks on the all the doors, Senate Floor Thunderdome.

Madam Attorney General, you’ve spent decades cultivating a wealth of political capital, and you’re poised to ascend to a throne you’ve undoubtedly earned. Your campaign’s most recent slogan is “Fearless – not reckless.” But, given the political risks that may be necessary to avoid the worst consequences of inadequate climate action, I guess I just want to be sure you’re capable of a wee bit of recklessness? We might need it.

Yours Conditionally,

Mikelis Beitiks

 

P.S. If I win the primary, please disregard this email.