Candidate Statement(s) For June 7th Primary Ballot

To have a “Candidate Statement” printed in the voter information pamphlet sent to all California voters, candidates must pay $25 per word, maximum 250 words. Because I am running a “modest” campaign, the length of the statement I submit is completely contingent on how much money I raise.

With that in mind, here are some different statements I’ve prepared in advance, reflecting several possible (and two more or less impossible) funding scenarios.

$125

I won’t do nothing.

www.iwillnotdonothing.org

$250

I will eat bugs for federal climate change solutions.

www.iwillnotdonothing.org

$300

I will solve climate change. Maybe. I’ll at least try. Hard.

www.iwillnotdonothing.org

$500

I swear on the graves of future Americans that I will not do nothing about our climate crisis.

www.iwillnotdonothing.org

$1,000

My platform is narrow. It’s more of a single board, really. If elected, I will monomaniacally pursue federal climate change solutions to keep our drought-prone coastal state habitable for our children.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Thank you for voting.

www.iwillnotdonothing.org

$6,250

My platform is narrow. It’s more of a single board, really.

I offer you this deal:

You elect me.

I use every ounce of senatorial power I’m granted to persuade my fellow federal legislators to finally do something about climate change.

My only agenda will be to ensure that, in the face of a warming globe, our drought-prone coastal state remains habitable for our children.

Nothing fancy.

The scientific solutions needed to avert climate catastrophe already exist. Unfortunately, career politicians lack the will to implement them.

While I am admittedly not a perfect candidate in many other ways, I’ve got political will out the wazoo. There are countless scientifically responsible policies I will zealously push through congress.

For example: Anything.

Literally anything that will address climate change on the federal level.

Currently, our federal legislators are settling for nothing.

So, I stand before you and swear on the graves of future Americans that I will not do nothing.

I will fight dirty. I will play nice. I will hardline. I will compromise. I will demean others. I will demean myself. I will fund science. I will punish jerks. I will not sacrifice the actual climate to the political climate.

I will not do nothing.

It is a strange proposition, but it is an honest proposition.

If you could lend me a vote.

Thanks.