Things I Will Do That Are Not Nothing

Lest you think I’m all style and no substance, here are some legislative ideas i’m ready and willing to propose to the Senate:

  Take all of the rich people’s money, put it toward fighting climate change. Then, take all of the poor people’s money, put that toward fighting climate change. Basically, nobody gets money anymore until no more climate change.

  Throw tons of said money at carbon extraction technology. I just read about this stuff, but it’s like motorized trees on steroids that suck carbon out of the atmosphere. Talk about supporting clean energy all you want, but prevention is only better than cure when you’re not about to die.

  That being said, I will also support clean energy. Exclusively.

  Also, everybody has to plant trees.

  Cutting down a tree will now be called “arbortion.” You can’t perform an arbortion unless the government says it’s OK.

  Withdraw military from Middle East. Deploy military in people’s driveways to make sure they’re not taking unnecessary trips, driving when they could be walking, etc…

  On a related note, probably no private cars, period. Not like socialism, per se, but like a species that wants to survive, per se.

  If the no-private-cars thing happens, then redeploy the military to countries that are being jerks about carbon reduction to eliminate them. Classic kids’ movie storyline. The former bully becomes the protector of the nerds.

  On a related note, Green weaponry?

  No more factory farming. I know that we all love cheap meat, but I’m pretty sure I can figure out how to get rice and beans and multivitamins for everyone for totally free for a few years while we figure out how to start growing meat in jars without the greenhouse byproduct.

  Everyone has to breathe more shallowly.

  Let’s just say that if you want to have a child, you have to plant twenty trees, too. If your kid dies you get to chop down one of the trees as a sort of grieving ritual, but the rest stay.

  No more daylight savings time. Actually, whenever it’s dark, it’s just going to be dark. Welcome to the real world.

  Schools will no longer teach any subjects other than Earth Sciences and Math. The rest of the time, kids will be forced to brainstorm ways we can stop climate change. In the dark.

  Stop Volcanoes.

  Every January will be “stay home with your family and don’t move around too much” January. No work, no leaving the house. Just, relax for a bit and bide your time for that month while we figure out how to fix this.

  No new jobs. I’ve never understood why everyone’s always talking about job creation being important to winning elections. Everyone I know hates their jobs. And jobs create a lot of CO2. Commuting, printing money, etc…

  Filibuster all legislation from any party that does not address climate change until we have a plan in place, and advocate for widespread amendments to the Constitution that will enable some pretty serious changes in the way we do things around here.